Dear beloved Sister in Christ,

I’m not God.  I can’t explain why this has happened.  But I love you, and God loves you, and neither of us wants to see you hurting.

Your ex-boyfriend sucks.  Truly.  It sounds like he is an abuser, even if he never harmed you physically.  The wounds of verbal and emotional abuse, and the scars they leave behind, are every bit as real as physical injuries.  Most importantly, you are not responsible for his intolerable and reprehensible behavior.  You do not deserve what happened.  What you are responsible for is the choices you may from now on, how you choose to live your life.  Right now, you’re a victim.  The dream of my heart is to see you transformed into a survivor.  That is where God is calling you. 

I know this, because I was a victim, and I’m a survivor now.  I have loved someone who may not ever know how to love.  I married and lived for more than 15 years with an abuser, with someone who punished me until I no longer even needed him to be the punisher: I became perfectly capable of doing it to myself.  I, too, have felt like a ruined woman, like used goods, like a person no man in his right mind would want.

And today, I am married to the most wonderful man in the world.  He’s cute, but goofy-looking.  He’s brilliant, and he’s broken.  He’s just like me, and we’re totally different.  And he treats me like a precious gift.

There is such a thing as a godly relationship, as a Christian romance.  This isn’t necessarily about abstinence or austerity.  It is about the kind of love Jesus calls us to.  It is recognizing your partner as that precious and beautiful gift, a gift that God entrusts to us for a time, to lovingly care for.  It is sometimes about giving up what you want, so that your partner can have what he or she needs; it is also about accepting the gifts your partner has lovingly given you, out of similar sacrifice.  It is about recognizing each day that you are in this relationship, this romance, this partnership because both of you have chosen to be there.  Neither of you is trapped.  Neither of you is forced.  It is your choice.

So you’re not a virgin.  So what!  What is past is past, and the only one who gets to hold that against you is God.  But God is a God of compassion and grace and forgiveness — God chooses not to hold it against you.  So don’t hold it against yourself!  You are beautiful, and you are precious, and you are a gift God has given to all of us.  And when you have trouble believing in that for yourself, I ask you to put your trust in people of faith and grace: we’ll believe in you for you.

This sucky, abusive ex-boyfriend does have one redeeming value.  He brought you to the Church, and he brought you to God.  He may suck as a Christian — I don’t know his heart, so I won’t say he does — but he gave you at least this one, very precious gift.  God exists.  And God will never, ever, ever, ever leave you alone.  Trust me on this one: even when I’ve tried to get God to eff off and leave me the eff alone (and in those words), all God does is take one step back, give me a little space, and stand there, ready to embrace me in God’s loving arms again.  God weeps for you, and God weeps with you.  God aches for your brokenness, and God yearns to fill you with God’s healing light.

In 1998, the abuse I’d experienced in my marriage drove me into a severe depression.  I was hospitalized three times that year, the third time following a suicide attempt.  Yes, I chose to try to end my life; that was the depth of my despair and hopelessness.  But I’m still here.  I may have committed what is called the unforgivable sin, the complete rejection of God; I’ve also learned that anyone afraid of committing this sin, truly has not.  I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, and I know God is with me.

I know God is with you, dear one, even when you cannot sense God’s presence.

The Lord bless you and keep you.
The Lord make his face to shine upon you
and be gracious unto you.
The Lord lift up the light of his countenance upon you
and give you peace.

And may the blessing of our infinitely-loving, perfectly-forgiving God be with you, beloved sister, in the name of the Father who runs to greet the prodigal with hugs; and in the name of Jesus who lived as a man and experienced abandonment, hopelessness, and rejection; and in the name of the Holy Spirit, who is present with us in wind and water and fire. 

Amen.