All posts tagged Kingdom of God

You may not find me around very much this week.  My heart isn’t so much into the prophetic voice on behalf of others when I find myself in need of a prophet.  And I’m going to do something here that I hadn’t planned on doing, which is blurring the lines between my intentionally pseudonymous identity as Undercover Nun and my general online identity where actual, real people (as opposed to you, my beloved brothers and sisters who live inside my computer) know where to find me.

This blog post here describes why I’m not feeling very prophetic right now.  I’ve hinted at my chronic condition and disability here before, but on this blog you can find the whole story. 

There’s much more going on than just my own chronic illness journey right now.  My husband’s mother and grandmother are both gravely ill with cancer, and his grandmother may not see the new year.  My daughter is coping with newly-diagnosed depression.  My parents are taking their business from being vendors who travel to Celtic festivals to having a retail store in an upscale mall over the holidays.  Our parish is in search, we’re both growing in ministry and vocation, and life never really stops.  There’s always garbage to take out, dishes to wash, laundry to do, no matter what happens.

But right now, I weep for all those who are poor or homeless or sick or imprisoned, and I weep for myself with them and for my husband who moved down from Canada to be with me.  I would save him this pain, but he thinks for better or for worse actually includes all of this stuff, too!  What a silly, wonderful, generous, and loving man!

Please pray for me, my friends.  And pray for all those who live in fear for where their next meal will come from, where their next night will see them sheltered, where their next month’s medications will be found.

Have you ever asked God one of the big questions, like “Why me?” or “When’s it my turn to feel better?”

Undercover Nun has, more than once.  I don’t know why I’d expect a different answer, since it’s the one right there in the book of Job.

Why not you, beloved daughter?

Little dear one, what makes you think that anything about my kingdom is about taking turns?

I know God’s right (dammit!).  But when I have a really rotten day, I’d appreciate some special treatment.  I take my comfort and rest in the sweet prayers of Compline.

Come to me, all who labor and carry heavy burdens,
and I will give you rest.

I lie down in peace; at once I fall asleep,
for only you, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Guide us waking, Lord, and guard us sleeping,
that awake we may watch with Christ,
     and asleep we may rest in peace.

Praying these words (and others I didn’t quote for you!) as I nestle under the covers and snuggle up with my pillow, I can see myself resting in God’s lap.  Like a mother, God strokes my hair, my back, singing me softly to sleep in safety and peace.

It takes some of the sting out of the reality of God’s grace.  We tend to be fine with grace, as long as we feel special and included and saved.  It’s good news!  But we get pissy about grace when we realize that there are other people included, too, so that God’s radically inclusive grace doesn’t give us any special privileges.  We can whine and scream and bitch and moan, but we’ll all get to the Kingdom together.  The white people and the brown people, the non-straight people and the straight people, the men and women and children, the servants and the billionaires and the street people and the waitress you stiffed out of her tip last week. 

There is no turn when it comes to God.  And no one of us is any more different or special than any other of us, in God’s eyes.  Each person is a unique and precious creation, and not one of us is more deserving than another.

Why me?  Why not me?
When’s it my turn?  I’m asking the wrong question.

Still.  Sometimes I want my blanky and some snuggles and someone to tell me it will be all right.  You know, just like you do.